It's absolutely normal to feel furious and spiteful after you find out that your spouse has had an affair. It's normal to want to hurt flirtwith.com them as much as they have hurt you. But, when you get into the habit of constantly insulting your spouse, then you may open up a door that you might later regret - depending on what you want moving forward.
A wife might describe this type of
situation: "I honestly still do not understand how my husband attracted
the other woman. I am just being completely honest when I say that my husband
is overweight and not all that attractive. He used to be when he was younger,
but he is not now. He can be rude and self-centered. He's not consistently
sweet or considerate. We are by no means rich, but we are somewhat financially
secure. However, ever since my husband found this other woman, he thinks that
he is all that. He struts around like he is Brad Pitt or something. It makes me
sick. He is always bragging about himself. He recently agreed to 'take a break'
from the other woman to see if we could revive our marriage for the sake of our
kids. I may want that in the future. I concede that this is probably the best
thing. But I can not get a handle on my anger. I find myself saying all sorts
of nasty things to him. I think that my goal is to almost knock him down off
his pedestal. I will tell him that he's fat. Or that his table manners are
disgusting. And that he is so awkward that he looks like Frankenstein when he
tries to hug me. Of course he gets angry at this, which only makes me hurl more
insults his way. flirtwith.com
review I know that
this is probably not the right thing to do, but I can not seem to help myself.
I want to take him down a notch. His ego is sickening and unjustified. He is
not all that. He's a middle aged man who is average looking at best. I know
that some men who aren't that attractive get women because they are sweet. But
my husband is not really all that sweet. So for whatever reason, he lucked out
by attracting this woman. I am not sure what she wants from him. But I don't
want him thinking that he's totally great because of it."
I understand where you are coming
from. It's maddening and difficult to watch this process. He is in the wrong,
but he can't necessarily see it because he seems to be riding high and is full
of himself.
What I am about to say may not seem
to help at first. But if you can really think about it, I think that it puts
things in perspective. Men often have affairs to feel better. They may want to
feel younger. flirtwith They may
want to feel relevant again. They may want to feel more attractive or more
powerful.
Why? Because deep down, they know
that they are on the decline. They know that they are aging and that their
looks are changing. This is painful. And hard to deal with. So one way to avoid
dealing with it is to have an affair and pump up your ego. Now, as he is doing
this, does he really think that he's all that? Not deep down, but he's probably
constantly trying to pump himself up and make it appear so.
The point that I am trying to make
is this. Your husband may well be acting out of insecurity. Sure, he is
probably desperately trying to appear confident. But the whole affair was an
attempt to address his own doubts. So, your insulting him is not telling him
anything that he does not already know.
But it can make your reconciliation
much more difficult. And it is modeling troubling behavior for your children,
who ideally should be spared from as much of the fall out of the affair as you
can possibly manage.
Of course you are mad at him. How
could you not be? But trying to make him feel insecure and badly about himself
is just feeding into the process of him having an affair in the first place. It
just reinforces the behavior that you do not want. Releasing these feelings
with a counselor (instead of with him) can help to keep you on track and can
bring your attention to places where you're going off track and not
accomplishing anything. Plus, it gives you a place to redirect all of that
anger.
Because having your husband be a
target of that anger is understandable, but it really only makes things worse -
not better. And the real goal is to make things better - regardless of what
happens in your marriage. Sharing the negativity that you feel doesn't hurt
your husband as much as you might think. It only spreads the misery around. And
it potentially allows him to justify his behavior: "my wife is so mean and
insulting. No wonder I cheated on her."
I found out the hard way that you
actually make more progress (and heal faster) if you direct your anger at the
act (the affair) rather than personally attacking the person (your husband.)
Because the person will get defensive and may try to hurt you back. That
doesn't accomplish anything. Deep down, you want him to be sorry and to not
cheat again. But insulting him only makes his sorrow less likely and his
cheating again more likely.
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