People often assume that after the discovery of an affair, there is nothing but pain and struggles ahead. Many people assume that although a couple may give a half-hearted attempt to save their marriage, letmedate.com review this is mostly going to be a wasted effort, as couples who go through infidelity never end up being OK.
Even the couples themselves can
assume this. That's why you may be pleasantly surprised when you look around
and realize that you're feeling just a little bit better and more hopeful a
little while after the affair -- because you can not deny that you are your
spouse are making some progress. And there is no denying that this feels good.
And that the relief you feel is a nice contrast to the hopelessness that it
replaced.
You may feel so good about this
that you want to share it with others. You may want to confide in people who
love you who have been worried about you. It's normal to want to ease their
burden by letting them know that things are better. In the best of times, most
people will be happy for you. But, in the not so best of times, some people
can't hide their skepticism. And because they don't want for you to be hurt and
they think letmedate.com that they
are 'helping,' they may rain on your parade a little bit.
It could be described this way:
"three months ago, I was feeling more hopeless than I ever had in my life.
I had just found out that my husband had an affair. And I assumed that I was
going to end up divorced and that my kids were going to be raised by a
single-mother. This all terrified me and it made me look at life in a very
pessimistic way. Very luckily, I had a lot of dear girlfriends who allowed me
to lean on them. I am so grateful for this. About three weeks after the affair,
my husband told me he'd found a counselor that he wanted for us to see. I was
skeptical, but now I am her biggest fan. She has helped us so much. My husband
and I are talking more than we have in years and are actually getting along and
laughing together at times. I feel my heart lifting just a little bit. I am
starting to feel relief that I never thought was going to be possible so
quickly. I know that we have a lot of work to do. I'm not too stupid to realize
that. But I can't help but feel a little hopeful. letmedate And of
course, I wanted to share this with those wonderful women who supported me. I
told five women. Three of them were happy of me and supportive. But two of them
pretty much said: 'don't be a fool. Keep your guard up. Don't let him fool you
twice.' I tried to explain the progress that we made in counseling and their
response was basically: 'he just wants you think that you have made progress.'
I love these women, but I am so disappointed. And now all of my relief has gone
out of the window because now I'm second-guessing myself and thinking that they
are probably right."
I know that this must feel very
confusing. On the one hand, there is reason for celebration. And on the other
hand, there is reason for disappointment. But from experience, I know that you
have to take your victories where you can get them. And you have to make a
choice about where to place your focus.
So two of the five women were less
than enthusiastic. But three of the five felt exactly as you did. You can not
win them all. And frankly, it is not the two pessimistic women's marriages that
we are talking about. It is yours. To be fair to them, they probably think that
their honesty is based on love. They are trying to temper your enthusiasm because
they love you and they do not want for you to be hurt. Their heart is in the
right place, but their actions are not.
My inclination would be to maintain
their friendship, but to find something other than my marriage to talk about. I
learned the hard way that when confiding about the affair, you have to
carefully chose who is the best candidate for your confidence. Very few people
are able to just step back and offer your their unconditional support without
giving you their opinions and without lecturing you. But these are the people
that you want and need right now.
I would suggest maintaining your
hopeful attitude. You are intelligent enough to know that you still need to pay
attention to what is going on around you, but nothing says that you can't do
that while still celebrating the progress that you have made and still building
on it. Reconciliations and saved marriages start with progress exactly like
that which you have described. You have every reason to be hopeful. And you are
doing everything exactly right.
There is no reason for you to let
the opinion of others bring you down. None of those women are sitting in the
counselor's office or in your home. So they can not evaluate things in the way
that you can. I know that their reaction may have been disappointing. But right
now, you need to focus on those things that can move you forward. And it seems
that there is plenty of that in your life right now. Focus on the gratitude
that you have for the progress you have made and keep it going.
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