I sometimes hear from people who are dealing with the recent discovery of their spouse's infidelity. Once the shock begins datemyage.com review to wear off just a little, you start to question what might have motivated your spouse to cheat.
One motivation that is hard to
ignore is that of a family history. Many of us accept that disorders like
alcoholism or mental illness can run in families. But people often balk at the
idea that infidelity runs in families. Most of us vow to never act in the
hurtful way that our parents did, so why do some of us cheat when we watched
that same cheating destroy our family as a child?
Here's a situation that you might
hear. A wife might say: "I just found out that my husband has been
cheating. This is so confusing. Because we honestly had a good, happy marriage
and family life. And my husband always swore that cheating is one thing that he
would never - ever - do. His father's cheating destroyed my husband's family.
My husband hates his father and sees him as weak and spineless. And yet, here
my husband is - cheating on me. My husband is begging me not to tear apart my
family. datemyage.com He says
that the difference between him and his father is that he is willing to get
help. I do not understand this, although I know that my husband is sincere
about counseling. But I am not sure that I buy that infidelity runs in
families. Does it? And if so, why? Because I feel like it is just a handy
excuse."
I certainly understand why you
would feel that way. And whether you believe the family history theory or not,
it's not a valid excuse either way. Not every one makes the same mistake as
their parents. But there is no question that our parents' behaviors affects our
own. My mother is a heavy smoker. I have never smoked. But there is no question
that children of smoker's are much more likely to smoke themselves, even if
they hated the habit.
In terms of infidelity, I do see a
family history among people who cheat. It's certainly not always the case. And
people with cheating parents are not doomed to cheat themselves. But there does
datemyage seem to be
a correlation as well as higher risk factors. I am not a therapist and this is
not a scientific observation. But I do hear of it quite a bit.
Why I Think That Infidelity May Run
In Families: I have my theories, but that is all that they are. As I said, I do
not have any degrees in mental health. But I am a rabid researcher because of
my personal interest in this. I believe that we tend to recreate the
atmospheres of our childhood because it is what we know. If we grew up in
chaos, we will be more likely to create that chaos in our own homes - even if
we HATED that chaos and vowed never to repeat it. We do this because its
familiar and, it times of stress, people crave the familiar - even if that is
heard to understand and even if it is destructive.
I also believe that we sometimes
subconsciously recreate the situations of our childhood as a way to attempt to
work through them. This is true even when we have rejected our childhoods and
have vowed not to make the same mistakes as our parents. That is why it is so
important to try to always be mindful when you parent. Whatever atmosphere you
create in your children's childhood home, that is the roadmap for their adults
lives.
Plus, it's possible that some of
the habits that we learned from our parents - avoiding talking about important
emotional issues, or trying to create happiness outside of ourselves - can
contribute to our marriages being vulnerable, which can lead to an affair. If
our parents did not model a marriage where issues were discussed and fixed
without going outside of our home, how we can we expect to have the same?
How Can You Fix It?: So how do we
avoid repeating the mistakes of our parents? We have to learn to be very aware
of our thoughts and actions. We have to be willing to get help if we sense or
see ourselves repeating these thoughts or behaviors. This requires that we be
very self-aware. And in times of stress, we are less likely to be able to do
this.
None of this means that you have to
excuse your husband. But it may help you to understand that he did have serious
risk factors. I do believe that having an unfaithful parent increases the risk
that the child will be unfaithful. It doesn't mean that they will. It just
means that the odds are increased. But there is always a choice, although
making that choice can be harder for someone with the family history.
The good news is that, for what it
is worth, I don't believe that your husband's family history means that your
husband is going to be a repeat cheater who can't be rehabilitated. If
anything, he may have an even greater motivation to be fully rehabilitated because
he knows first-hand what type of destruction this caused his family as a child.
He knows how it feels to be that child from a broken home, so he does not want
that for his own children. That may mean that he's doubly motivated to fully
heal your marriage.
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