It is normal for both spouses to struggle after an affair. People often assume that it is just the faithful spouse who struggles. But this isn't the case. The spouse who cheated can feel deep shame datemyage.com review and guilt - which can lead to a feeling of worthlessness and depression. And these things can add more challenges to an already difficult situation.
A wife might say: "my husband
says that he is overwhelmed with guilt and shame because of his affair. He
deserves to be. He made a profile on an online dating site and he pretended to
be single. He met a woman and began an affair. This woman found out about me
and she called me to apologize. At first, I hung up. But I later called her
back because I realized that I had been very rude. Because once I thought about
it and I read his profile, I realized that none of this was her fault. He lied
to both of us. She started a relationship with a man she thought wasn't
married. I can't really be mad at her. But I sure am mad at him. I do not
understand how he could do this. I am a good person. We have a good marriage.
There was nothing awful for him to escape so that he had to go on a dating
website. datemyage.com And I
admit that I am very vocal about my confusion. Last night, I was trying once
again to ask my husband why he would do this. He blurted out that he doesn't
know why and that he's horribly depressed and overcome with feelings of
embarrassment and worthlessness. I almost feel as if he says these things
because he wants me to stop talking about the affair and to stop asking
questions. Suddenly I am supposed to handle him with kid gloves because he's
sad? Well, I'm really sad too. I could be depressed too. But it is because of
what he did. It doesn't seem fair that he can just pull the depression card every
time he doesn't want to talk about what a loser he was with this affair."
This is a tricky situation. Because
depression isn't something that he can prove or something that you can
disprove. And depression is not something that you should ever take lightly.
Still, in order for you to feel
that you are getting what you need, you're going to need to talk about the
affair and get your questions answered. And he is going to need for you to do
this carefully because of his depression. This leaves you facing a situation
that is very difficult to navigate.
I'm not a therapist or counselor,
but I really can not recommend one enough in this situation. And I would not be
surprised if she didn't address the depression and the affair as separate
issues. Men who are depressed datemyage often have
affairs. It is their attempt to feel better and to have some relief from their
emptiness. And if his depression is untreated, it may well be more difficult to
work toward any meaningful recovery and healing.
Working with a therapist or
specialist means that you don't have to accept less than the answers you want,
but you'll get help on addressing them in a way that doesn't make his
depression worse. He probably won't be able to use that excuse with the
counselor and she can help you explore if the depression was present beforehand
and lead him to the dating website.
Because honestly, that's a bit of a
red flag as far as depression goes. I'd like to think that well adjusted,
married men don't commonly claim to be single on dating websites - unless they
are having individual personal struggles. I'm not naive enough to think that
this never happens. Of course it does. But you have to ask yourself why a man
would do this. And depression is just one possibility.
Again, I am not a mental health
counselor, but I would think that it's safe advice to encourage both you and
your husband see one. I know that cost is often a factor, but you can usually
find someone that will work on a siding scale. Sometimes, government agencies
in your county or town can help you find someone. But please reach out.
Because depression is not something
that a lay person knows how to deal with. And it may well delay any progress that
you'd like to make. Some things are just best left to the experts. And mental
health is certainly one of those things.
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